Grace Teresa is Born
It's safe to say that life has changed in a significant way since my last blog post. I don't think either one of us knew just how much our world would be turned upside down after the birth of our first daughter. I don't know that anyone ever is truly prepared for this! But before too much more time passed, I wanted to be sure to put my thoughts down about the whole experience. I know this is something Gracie will enjoy reading when she's older, along with watching the video and seeing all of the gorgeous pictures.
Once June arrived we were pretty much in the mode of the baby coming at any moment. The last few weeks of pregnancy were pretty brutal so I was definitely ready. Mom, Dad, Kristy, and the kids all drove out and arrived on June 25. It was so nice to have them here for a few days before the birth as it gave us some final time together before things got crazy! The kids were going out of their mind a bit being cooped up in the house so Mom and Dad did their best to take them out of the house for various activities every day while Kristy did her best to keep me calm and sane. One thing is for sure - those kids were not deprived of Johnny Rockets or the YMCA swimming pool!
Saturday June 27 was an interesting day. I didn't know I would be going into labor the next day, but I was pretty certain, based on how I was feeling, that it was going to be sometime soon. The pelvic pressure hit a new level, the Braxton-Hicks were increasing, and everything just appeared to be gearing up. Mom and Dad had brought some incredible wines from their cellar so that night we opened up a 1985 (my birth year!) Chateau Margaux and enjoyed some tasting with some cheese and crackers. Shortly after that, per the recommendation of my midwife, I popped a sleeping pill and conked out around 10pm and proceeded to sleep better than I'd slept in weeks!
I was awoken around 4am by some new aches and pains that I hadn't felt before. I really wasn't sure what was going on so I moved out to the couch and began trying to time the sensations with my contraction timer app. The app averages the contractions so you can get an idea of where you are in the process. I was supposed to call my midwife when they were 7 minutes apart lasting for a minute. Well, right off the bat I was a bit confused on how to time them. I wasn't even sure they were contractions! They didn't start and stop in an obvious manner so I wasn't sure when to start or stop the timer! Around 5am I sent this Facebook message to my midwife: "Hi Sabely - I don't want to call you yet because it's not time, but since Saturday morning I have been in, what I can only assume is some sort of early labor. Lots of surging with even more cramping and burning in between, just no regular pattern. Sometimes I'll get 2-3 full on surges in an hour, sometimes none. But there is almost constant cramping, burning, and/or aching at all times in some capacity. My pelvic bone has gone from feeling split in half to feeling shattered. Feels like this baby is literally wedged in my vagina. Remember how I lost my mucus plug Monday? Yea. That was like, the baby mucus plug. Early yesterday so much came out I thought my water was leaking. Basically, there is just a LOT happening, just nothing regular. My sister has been encouraging me that I'm just dilating and working toward the real thing. Basically just a waiting game and that I'll be well aware when things reach a normal, regular groove. But how long might this go on? This IS normal, yes? I feel like I HAVE to be close! And at the same time I feel like I'm gonna be stuck in this labor purgatory forever!" (Ha! Little did I know, I'd be holding my baby 5 hours later)
She assured me all was normal and said to let her know once active labor began as it would likely be very quick. At this point I still wasn't even convinced it was actual labor - just some early "movement." I woke Bart up around 6am and asked him to keep me company on the couch while I continued to try and time whatever was going on. Around 7am he made me some food as I was STARVING, but a few bites was all I could manage as the contractions were getting more frequent and more intense. As requested, Mom and Dad took the kids out to the motorhome so I could be left in the quiet with Bart and Kristy by my side. I think they were more convinced than Bart and I were that there was actually a baby arriving in our very near future! I moved to the bed and continued to labor there for a bit. Kristy finally got it through my head at that point that I was in active labor, but I still wasn't sure how far apart things were. Around 8:30am Bart filled up our bathtub and I moved into there where I quickly entered hard labor. This was accompanied by fluids coming out of every hole in my body as I breathed and moaned my way through every increasingly strong contraction. I remember at one point, while my mouth was resting in the water that was filled with many of my "bodily fluids" thinking, "This is quite a way to spend my 30th birthday! And I don't even care that my mouth is in this water right now." I had reached this point so quickly that it became evident we were a bit behind schedule in contacting my midwife and our birth photographer, so Bart and Kristy quickly got on top of that while Bart also set up the tarp and got the room prepared for the birthing tub to arrive. I continued to labor in the bathtub and my memory of this time is pretty vague. It was all so different than I expected, and I think it's largely due to things progressing so quickly. I thought I would want music, so I had made a whole birth playlist and Bart had set up an entire stereo system in the bathroom. But when the time came, all I wanted was peace and quiet. I never used the birthing ball or Rebozo or any other labor aid I had planned for. I just simply wanted to sit in the bathtub in the quiet and focus on my breathing. I almost felt as though I left my body during that time. My mind was in some other place - almost a state of delirium. I didn't THINK about utilizing what I had learned in Hypnobirthing, it just sort of happened naturally. It's as though my brain hypnotized itself because it was the only fathomable way to cope. Breathe and moan, breathe and moan, breathe and moan became my involuntary mantra until the break between contractions would come and for that glorious thirty seconds to a minute, I swear I would fall asleep! It's amazing how you can go from such intense contracting to absolute pain free peace. The body certainly knows what to do to make sure it keeps its strength up. However, when the breaks began to get shorter in length and further away from each other, I really knew things were ramping up. I reached transitional labor sometime around 9:30am which was accompanied by more vomiting and more intense moaning. At this point though, I still thought I was maybe 4 or 5cm dilated. I still thought I had 12-18 hours left of this! I'll never forget, in my delirious state and all of the vomiting and moaning, thinking, "I haven't even hit transitional labor yet. How am I going to do this!!!" Little did I know, I was deep in the throes of it. My midwife arrived around 9:45am and began to set up the tub. I'll never forget the feeling of stepping into that birthing tub. My bath tub had gotten quite cold, so when I stepped into that warm, clean water, the relief was incredible. They continued to run the warm water from the hose over my body as I labored. This form of comfort is called effleurage - and it's amazing. Once I was set in the tub, they checked my progress and I fully expected to hear "6cm." So when I heard, "you're more than 9," I was ecstatic!
Throughout the entire morning, Bart continued to be exactly what he was supposed to be: present, supportive, and reassuring. He didn't overdo it, he was simply present. He rubbed my head, periodically told me he loved me and that I could do it, and most importantly he remained calm and positive. When my head would return to earth in between contractions, I remember having these thoughts about how proud I was of Bart, and how grateful I was to have him by my side. Now and again I would also hear Kristy say, "I love you Kim..." or "you're doing so well..." and while these words were heard in a delirious state, I remember how deeply they affected me.
One of the things I never really expected was how focused I'd be. In the movies, you see women screaming at their husbands and yelling obscenities. It all has the look of someone having an over the top, out of control, angry response to extreme pain. Labor, in my opinion, isn't "pain." Pain is a familiar feeling. Pain is something we all know, and it can cause a variety of reactions. Labor is something totally different. It's something your body has never felt before (at least, the first time around) and the sensation is unlike any other sensation in the world. Don't get me wrong - it HURTS! But it's a totally different kind of hurt. It's pain with a purpose. It's parts of your body you've never felt before doing things you never knew they could. Without even trying, my body and brain went into an INTENSE state of focus. I often felt in a dream like state where I couldn't hear anything. All that was going on in my brain was breathing and moaning (well, yelling as it later became!) and getting through each contraction. When I went back and watched the video I was able to see that my body stayed incredibly relaxed, which I was so impressed by. That physical relaxation was essentially a byproduct of the intense mental focus and breathing. That was so cool for me to see.
I began to try bearing down around 10:30am. It was a gradual process. Again, not like the movies where it was "time to push." It was more something that we eased into. I moved into various positions in the tub while my midwives suggested I begin to bear down whenever it felt right. So I would, a little at a time, as they would gently press on my back and my hips. Eventually, I could feel Gracie really getting into place in my birth canal. At some point, bearing down turned into something that I couldn't help. I've heard stories of women being told to "stop pushing" because it's "not time yet." This is crazy to me! Once I got things moving by introducing the pushing, my body took over. Much like the contractions that opened my cervix, the contractions that moved her down were just as involuntary. I would be resting a bit and then be suddenly awoken by what felt like the bowling ball that was lodged in my butt was being pressed on. Hard. So I'd have no choice but to go with it and breathe (yell) through it! (And that's the other thing. When a baby is coming out of your vagina, it actually feels like it's coming out of your butt. FYI)
This "pushing" continued on little by little starting from about 10:30 however, my water still hadn't broken. This was concerning me but my midwives assured me it was not slowing anything down, and that it was actually keeping the REAL intensity at bay while she continued to move down. They asked me to put my finger inside so I could feel my progress. To my amazement, I could feel a giant sack of water about a knuckle deep. She was right there! That gave me the burst of energy I needed to continue with the pushing and finally around 11:15am, the sack broke and I was able to feel her head right inside. Once the water broke, the pressure increased to an even more unbelievable level of intensity. This sensation was beyond ANYTHING my brain could have ever comprehended before this moment. The sensation of the actual pushing part is completely different than that of labor contractions. It also can't just simply be described with the word "pain." It's really more of a pressure. The kind of pressure that feels like an 8lb bowling ball is splitting your body in half from the inside. It's intense, to say the least. I remember at one point it got SO intense that I really thought I couldn't take it anymore. I said something like, "I can't get comfortable anymore!" My midwife calmly said, "yep. That pressure isn't going to stop until she is out." Those words will forever ring in my head as the moment I felt the strongest in my life. Something awoke inside of me. Up to that point I had been really shying away from that pressure. My midwives were constantly having to remind me not to back away from it. They were pressing on my hips to keep me from closing them. I was so afraid of the pressure. So afraid of the intensity. But at that moment, I feel like I went from Kimmy to the Hulk with just that simple statement. I immediately flipped over onto my knees - the position that caused the most amount of pelvic splitting pressure - and I just took it. I just embraced it and breathed (yelled) through it and let it happen TO me rather than try to keep it FROM me. I completely resigned to it and let my body take over, knowing that the stronger the pressure, the closer she was. It was, for me, the most mentally powerful moment of my life.
After that turning point, I continued to push, work, shift, move, and breathe until finally, her head was almost out. I was able to guide her head out every step of the way which was so helpful as I was able to feel how much progress I'd make with each push. Another fear of mine through pregnancy was the dreaded "ring of fire." The moment when the widest part of the head pushes through. The moment that, if you're going to tear, is going to cause it. When that moment arrived, that fear was nowhere in sight. I knew I was MOMENTS away from meeting Gracie and I pushed with more energy than I've ever expelled in my life! I could actually feel her nose and her ears and her lips as they were coming out - which was a total trip! And without tearing, her head popped out. After that, it was just a few more pushes and finally, at 11:44am, Grace Teresa made her grand entrance into this world.
The moment we pulled her out of the water and plopped her right onto my chest is something I can't even put into words. It's unfathomable how you can go from being in this incredibly delirious state of focus with your body being split apart, to suddenly being alert, aware, ecstatic, and RELIEVED in just a matter of moments. If that moment could be bottled up and sold, it would revolutionize the drug world! That first hour after she arrived felt like the best dream ever. Gracie was so peaceful resting on my chest and we were both wrapped in Bart's arms. We waited for the umbilical cord to stop pulsing completely which happened shortly after I birthed the placenta. Bart then cut the cord and our little girl was officially detached from her mama, in the world as her own person. I took a quick shower while Bart got some time together with Gracie, and then we all met back in bed and got to snuggle together while Gracie latched on to my breast for the first time. What a crazy feeling! Mom, Dad, and the kids came in to meet the baby and we all hung out and shared stories of the morning while my midwives did the newborn exam. 8lbs 4oz and 20.75" long. She was strong, healthy, and alert right from the get go. I was also surprised at how strong and alert I felt! I figured I'd be wrecked after birth - ready for an immediate nap! Instead I was energized and eager to spend time with my new baby. Once the midwives cleaned everything up and left us for the day, we moved out to the couch and proceeded to have some Manzanos sandwiches and mimosas while everyone took turns holding the baby. It was so awesome that she was born so early in the day so we had the whole rest of the afternoon and evening to hang out! A nap was not in my cards. In fact, I don't think I actually slept for the first 3 days. I felt as though I had some sort of adrenaline crack running through my veins. That first night was such a trip. Trying to sleep while we had this new little life sleeping in the bassinet next to us was so surreal. How can anyone sleep through that!
I often go back to the moment I found out I was pregnant. Once I found out, there was hardly a moment that went by over the next 9 months where I wasn't in some way thinking about the fact that I was pregnant. It consumed me - understandably so. I'm pretty sure that's how most women feel. And then, in this one moment, your baby is born into the world and that all consuming feeling doesn't go away, it just shifts. Initially you're consumed by aches, pains, physical changes, emotional changes, nursery plans, buying cute little clothes, baby showers, and thoughts of the future. And then in an instant, you're consumed by love, fear, disbelief, confusion, and the mind altering reality that your life is no longer about you. It's no longer just you and your husband and your wants and needs. It's no longer sitting on the couch at night watching TV, going to the grocery store, having an impromptu date night, or going on vacation. All of those things still will exist, but there will be a plus one in the mix. Forever and always. This reality is both awesome and terrifying as it gradually sets in in the early weeks of having a newborn. I'm so grateful my family stayed for 10 days after the birth as that reality, as well as many other emotions, had me pretty upside down. And now, in the last 9 weeks, it's been an ever changing, constantly evolving process. Bart and I are both settling into our role as parents - perhaps Bart better than me! I'm plagued with anxiety that has been crippling at times, and I'm figuring out ways to cope. Bart has felt an undeniable weight on his shoulders as he tries to remain the pillar of the house and be the emotional support that I need while coping with his own fears and anxieties. We've had our ups and our downs, there's no doubt about that! It's much harder that I thought it would be in some ways, and much easier in others. But all the while, Grace knows nothing but love. She continues to grow daily - packing on the pounds and developing new faces and sounds. Getting to watch her each new day as she discovers this big world around her is a blessing to be a part of. It's such a beautiful experience when you look down at this new little life that you created with the person you love most in the world, and see that wonderful combination of the two of you as she discovers her fingers and toes. To watch her as her eyes begin to recognize our faces. To see her smile go from a reflex to a genuine response to our conversations with her. Those moments have made all of the difficult moments so worth it. To say that I love my child is an obvious statement; but it's such a strange love. It's a unique love unlike any love experienced before. She isn't a person I fell in love with, she IS me. She is US. The emotions that come with that are indescribable. I have admittedly had times where I've questioned what we've entered into. It's amazing what exhaustion can do to a person. I've had more emotional outbreaks than I care to admit. But at the end of the day, this little person has changed our world in the most wonderful way.
When it comes to our birth experience, we couldn't be more happy with how it all went down. By now, most people are aware that I've become a BIG proponent of treating birth as the natural process that it is. Sure, there are high risk pregnancies. There are legitimate reasons for medical interventions. But more often than not, childbirth can be done significantly more safely with a more positive experience and outcome when it's done naturally, rather than when it's treated as an illness. Many people have called us brave for birthing naturally at home. We don't see it that way at all! To choose medical intervention, or to have it forced upon you requires way more bravery and unfortunately, can often lead to problems that wouldn't have existed had intervention never taken place to begin with. While birthing naturally is not exactly a pleasant sensation, I can't imagine doing it any other way. Being at home in our own comfortable environment was such an integral part of it all. I'm convinced it's largely why I progressed so quickly. There was no driving, no chaos, no narcotics, no doctors, no nurses, no fear mongering. Just us, our medically trained team of midwives, my sister, and our baby. There is nothing wrong with wanting pain medication but for me, FEELING every bit of that experience was so powerful. I love that I was able to move around and use my body; able to work together with my baby to bring her safely and peacefully into this world. It was absolutely a spiritual experience to feel every ounce of my body executing God's most beautifully designed process. We were blessed to have a low risk pregnancy and we were blessed to have a perfect birth. I'm VERY aware of that. I'm also very proud of us for doing our research, for trusting this natural process, and in turn, being rewarded with such a positive outcome for both us and our baby. I will forever be grateful to our midwives, Sabely and Erica, and to Kristy for being such an important part of the entire experience - from pregnancy, to birth, to postpartum. Kristy - aside from Bart, I don't think one person has single handedly dealt with more of my freak outs, texts, questions, and needs more than you during this entire process. Thank you so much for being my "doula" and for so often dropping what you were doing to help me and talk me through things. And Mom and Dad - we are forever grateful for your help and support in those early days. I don't think we could've done it without the help of Gamma/Gampa. It was a family visit, a birth, and a 30th birthday that will always stand out in our minds and our hearts.
Once June arrived we were pretty much in the mode of the baby coming at any moment. The last few weeks of pregnancy were pretty brutal so I was definitely ready. Mom, Dad, Kristy, and the kids all drove out and arrived on June 25. It was so nice to have them here for a few days before the birth as it gave us some final time together before things got crazy! The kids were going out of their mind a bit being cooped up in the house so Mom and Dad did their best to take them out of the house for various activities every day while Kristy did her best to keep me calm and sane. One thing is for sure - those kids were not deprived of Johnny Rockets or the YMCA swimming pool!
Saturday June 27 was an interesting day. I didn't know I would be going into labor the next day, but I was pretty certain, based on how I was feeling, that it was going to be sometime soon. The pelvic pressure hit a new level, the Braxton-Hicks were increasing, and everything just appeared to be gearing up. Mom and Dad had brought some incredible wines from their cellar so that night we opened up a 1985 (my birth year!) Chateau Margaux and enjoyed some tasting with some cheese and crackers. Shortly after that, per the recommendation of my midwife, I popped a sleeping pill and conked out around 10pm and proceeded to sleep better than I'd slept in weeks!
I was awoken around 4am by some new aches and pains that I hadn't felt before. I really wasn't sure what was going on so I moved out to the couch and began trying to time the sensations with my contraction timer app. The app averages the contractions so you can get an idea of where you are in the process. I was supposed to call my midwife when they were 7 minutes apart lasting for a minute. Well, right off the bat I was a bit confused on how to time them. I wasn't even sure they were contractions! They didn't start and stop in an obvious manner so I wasn't sure when to start or stop the timer! Around 5am I sent this Facebook message to my midwife: "Hi Sabely - I don't want to call you yet because it's not time, but since Saturday morning I have been in, what I can only assume is some sort of early labor. Lots of surging with even more cramping and burning in between, just no regular pattern. Sometimes I'll get 2-3 full on surges in an hour, sometimes none. But there is almost constant cramping, burning, and/or aching at all times in some capacity. My pelvic bone has gone from feeling split in half to feeling shattered. Feels like this baby is literally wedged in my vagina. Remember how I lost my mucus plug Monday? Yea. That was like, the baby mucus plug. Early yesterday so much came out I thought my water was leaking. Basically, there is just a LOT happening, just nothing regular. My sister has been encouraging me that I'm just dilating and working toward the real thing. Basically just a waiting game and that I'll be well aware when things reach a normal, regular groove. But how long might this go on? This IS normal, yes? I feel like I HAVE to be close! And at the same time I feel like I'm gonna be stuck in this labor purgatory forever!" (Ha! Little did I know, I'd be holding my baby 5 hours later)
She assured me all was normal and said to let her know once active labor began as it would likely be very quick. At this point I still wasn't even convinced it was actual labor - just some early "movement." I woke Bart up around 6am and asked him to keep me company on the couch while I continued to try and time whatever was going on. Around 7am he made me some food as I was STARVING, but a few bites was all I could manage as the contractions were getting more frequent and more intense. As requested, Mom and Dad took the kids out to the motorhome so I could be left in the quiet with Bart and Kristy by my side. I think they were more convinced than Bart and I were that there was actually a baby arriving in our very near future! I moved to the bed and continued to labor there for a bit. Kristy finally got it through my head at that point that I was in active labor, but I still wasn't sure how far apart things were. Around 8:30am Bart filled up our bathtub and I moved into there where I quickly entered hard labor. This was accompanied by fluids coming out of every hole in my body as I breathed and moaned my way through every increasingly strong contraction. I remember at one point, while my mouth was resting in the water that was filled with many of my "bodily fluids" thinking, "This is quite a way to spend my 30th birthday! And I don't even care that my mouth is in this water right now." I had reached this point so quickly that it became evident we were a bit behind schedule in contacting my midwife and our birth photographer, so Bart and Kristy quickly got on top of that while Bart also set up the tarp and got the room prepared for the birthing tub to arrive. I continued to labor in the bathtub and my memory of this time is pretty vague. It was all so different than I expected, and I think it's largely due to things progressing so quickly. I thought I would want music, so I had made a whole birth playlist and Bart had set up an entire stereo system in the bathroom. But when the time came, all I wanted was peace and quiet. I never used the birthing ball or Rebozo or any other labor aid I had planned for. I just simply wanted to sit in the bathtub in the quiet and focus on my breathing. I almost felt as though I left my body during that time. My mind was in some other place - almost a state of delirium. I didn't THINK about utilizing what I had learned in Hypnobirthing, it just sort of happened naturally. It's as though my brain hypnotized itself because it was the only fathomable way to cope. Breathe and moan, breathe and moan, breathe and moan became my involuntary mantra until the break between contractions would come and for that glorious thirty seconds to a minute, I swear I would fall asleep! It's amazing how you can go from such intense contracting to absolute pain free peace. The body certainly knows what to do to make sure it keeps its strength up. However, when the breaks began to get shorter in length and further away from each other, I really knew things were ramping up. I reached transitional labor sometime around 9:30am which was accompanied by more vomiting and more intense moaning. At this point though, I still thought I was maybe 4 or 5cm dilated. I still thought I had 12-18 hours left of this! I'll never forget, in my delirious state and all of the vomiting and moaning, thinking, "I haven't even hit transitional labor yet. How am I going to do this!!!" Little did I know, I was deep in the throes of it. My midwife arrived around 9:45am and began to set up the tub. I'll never forget the feeling of stepping into that birthing tub. My bath tub had gotten quite cold, so when I stepped into that warm, clean water, the relief was incredible. They continued to run the warm water from the hose over my body as I labored. This form of comfort is called effleurage - and it's amazing. Once I was set in the tub, they checked my progress and I fully expected to hear "6cm." So when I heard, "you're more than 9," I was ecstatic!
Throughout the entire morning, Bart continued to be exactly what he was supposed to be: present, supportive, and reassuring. He didn't overdo it, he was simply present. He rubbed my head, periodically told me he loved me and that I could do it, and most importantly he remained calm and positive. When my head would return to earth in between contractions, I remember having these thoughts about how proud I was of Bart, and how grateful I was to have him by my side. Now and again I would also hear Kristy say, "I love you Kim..." or "you're doing so well..." and while these words were heard in a delirious state, I remember how deeply they affected me.
One of the things I never really expected was how focused I'd be. In the movies, you see women screaming at their husbands and yelling obscenities. It all has the look of someone having an over the top, out of control, angry response to extreme pain. Labor, in my opinion, isn't "pain." Pain is a familiar feeling. Pain is something we all know, and it can cause a variety of reactions. Labor is something totally different. It's something your body has never felt before (at least, the first time around) and the sensation is unlike any other sensation in the world. Don't get me wrong - it HURTS! But it's a totally different kind of hurt. It's pain with a purpose. It's parts of your body you've never felt before doing things you never knew they could. Without even trying, my body and brain went into an INTENSE state of focus. I often felt in a dream like state where I couldn't hear anything. All that was going on in my brain was breathing and moaning (well, yelling as it later became!) and getting through each contraction. When I went back and watched the video I was able to see that my body stayed incredibly relaxed, which I was so impressed by. That physical relaxation was essentially a byproduct of the intense mental focus and breathing. That was so cool for me to see.
I began to try bearing down around 10:30am. It was a gradual process. Again, not like the movies where it was "time to push." It was more something that we eased into. I moved into various positions in the tub while my midwives suggested I begin to bear down whenever it felt right. So I would, a little at a time, as they would gently press on my back and my hips. Eventually, I could feel Gracie really getting into place in my birth canal. At some point, bearing down turned into something that I couldn't help. I've heard stories of women being told to "stop pushing" because it's "not time yet." This is crazy to me! Once I got things moving by introducing the pushing, my body took over. Much like the contractions that opened my cervix, the contractions that moved her down were just as involuntary. I would be resting a bit and then be suddenly awoken by what felt like the bowling ball that was lodged in my butt was being pressed on. Hard. So I'd have no choice but to go with it and breathe (yell) through it! (And that's the other thing. When a baby is coming out of your vagina, it actually feels like it's coming out of your butt. FYI)
This "pushing" continued on little by little starting from about 10:30 however, my water still hadn't broken. This was concerning me but my midwives assured me it was not slowing anything down, and that it was actually keeping the REAL intensity at bay while she continued to move down. They asked me to put my finger inside so I could feel my progress. To my amazement, I could feel a giant sack of water about a knuckle deep. She was right there! That gave me the burst of energy I needed to continue with the pushing and finally around 11:15am, the sack broke and I was able to feel her head right inside. Once the water broke, the pressure increased to an even more unbelievable level of intensity. This sensation was beyond ANYTHING my brain could have ever comprehended before this moment. The sensation of the actual pushing part is completely different than that of labor contractions. It also can't just simply be described with the word "pain." It's really more of a pressure. The kind of pressure that feels like an 8lb bowling ball is splitting your body in half from the inside. It's intense, to say the least. I remember at one point it got SO intense that I really thought I couldn't take it anymore. I said something like, "I can't get comfortable anymore!" My midwife calmly said, "yep. That pressure isn't going to stop until she is out." Those words will forever ring in my head as the moment I felt the strongest in my life. Something awoke inside of me. Up to that point I had been really shying away from that pressure. My midwives were constantly having to remind me not to back away from it. They were pressing on my hips to keep me from closing them. I was so afraid of the pressure. So afraid of the intensity. But at that moment, I feel like I went from Kimmy to the Hulk with just that simple statement. I immediately flipped over onto my knees - the position that caused the most amount of pelvic splitting pressure - and I just took it. I just embraced it and breathed (yelled) through it and let it happen TO me rather than try to keep it FROM me. I completely resigned to it and let my body take over, knowing that the stronger the pressure, the closer she was. It was, for me, the most mentally powerful moment of my life.
After that turning point, I continued to push, work, shift, move, and breathe until finally, her head was almost out. I was able to guide her head out every step of the way which was so helpful as I was able to feel how much progress I'd make with each push. Another fear of mine through pregnancy was the dreaded "ring of fire." The moment when the widest part of the head pushes through. The moment that, if you're going to tear, is going to cause it. When that moment arrived, that fear was nowhere in sight. I knew I was MOMENTS away from meeting Gracie and I pushed with more energy than I've ever expelled in my life! I could actually feel her nose and her ears and her lips as they were coming out - which was a total trip! And without tearing, her head popped out. After that, it was just a few more pushes and finally, at 11:44am, Grace Teresa made her grand entrance into this world.
The moment we pulled her out of the water and plopped her right onto my chest is something I can't even put into words. It's unfathomable how you can go from being in this incredibly delirious state of focus with your body being split apart, to suddenly being alert, aware, ecstatic, and RELIEVED in just a matter of moments. If that moment could be bottled up and sold, it would revolutionize the drug world! That first hour after she arrived felt like the best dream ever. Gracie was so peaceful resting on my chest and we were both wrapped in Bart's arms. We waited for the umbilical cord to stop pulsing completely which happened shortly after I birthed the placenta. Bart then cut the cord and our little girl was officially detached from her mama, in the world as her own person. I took a quick shower while Bart got some time together with Gracie, and then we all met back in bed and got to snuggle together while Gracie latched on to my breast for the first time. What a crazy feeling! Mom, Dad, and the kids came in to meet the baby and we all hung out and shared stories of the morning while my midwives did the newborn exam. 8lbs 4oz and 20.75" long. She was strong, healthy, and alert right from the get go. I was also surprised at how strong and alert I felt! I figured I'd be wrecked after birth - ready for an immediate nap! Instead I was energized and eager to spend time with my new baby. Once the midwives cleaned everything up and left us for the day, we moved out to the couch and proceeded to have some Manzanos sandwiches and mimosas while everyone took turns holding the baby. It was so awesome that she was born so early in the day so we had the whole rest of the afternoon and evening to hang out! A nap was not in my cards. In fact, I don't think I actually slept for the first 3 days. I felt as though I had some sort of adrenaline crack running through my veins. That first night was such a trip. Trying to sleep while we had this new little life sleeping in the bassinet next to us was so surreal. How can anyone sleep through that!
I often go back to the moment I found out I was pregnant. Once I found out, there was hardly a moment that went by over the next 9 months where I wasn't in some way thinking about the fact that I was pregnant. It consumed me - understandably so. I'm pretty sure that's how most women feel. And then, in this one moment, your baby is born into the world and that all consuming feeling doesn't go away, it just shifts. Initially you're consumed by aches, pains, physical changes, emotional changes, nursery plans, buying cute little clothes, baby showers, and thoughts of the future. And then in an instant, you're consumed by love, fear, disbelief, confusion, and the mind altering reality that your life is no longer about you. It's no longer just you and your husband and your wants and needs. It's no longer sitting on the couch at night watching TV, going to the grocery store, having an impromptu date night, or going on vacation. All of those things still will exist, but there will be a plus one in the mix. Forever and always. This reality is both awesome and terrifying as it gradually sets in in the early weeks of having a newborn. I'm so grateful my family stayed for 10 days after the birth as that reality, as well as many other emotions, had me pretty upside down. And now, in the last 9 weeks, it's been an ever changing, constantly evolving process. Bart and I are both settling into our role as parents - perhaps Bart better than me! I'm plagued with anxiety that has been crippling at times, and I'm figuring out ways to cope. Bart has felt an undeniable weight on his shoulders as he tries to remain the pillar of the house and be the emotional support that I need while coping with his own fears and anxieties. We've had our ups and our downs, there's no doubt about that! It's much harder that I thought it would be in some ways, and much easier in others. But all the while, Grace knows nothing but love. She continues to grow daily - packing on the pounds and developing new faces and sounds. Getting to watch her each new day as she discovers this big world around her is a blessing to be a part of. It's such a beautiful experience when you look down at this new little life that you created with the person you love most in the world, and see that wonderful combination of the two of you as she discovers her fingers and toes. To watch her as her eyes begin to recognize our faces. To see her smile go from a reflex to a genuine response to our conversations with her. Those moments have made all of the difficult moments so worth it. To say that I love my child is an obvious statement; but it's such a strange love. It's a unique love unlike any love experienced before. She isn't a person I fell in love with, she IS me. She is US. The emotions that come with that are indescribable. I have admittedly had times where I've questioned what we've entered into. It's amazing what exhaustion can do to a person. I've had more emotional outbreaks than I care to admit. But at the end of the day, this little person has changed our world in the most wonderful way.
When it comes to our birth experience, we couldn't be more happy with how it all went down. By now, most people are aware that I've become a BIG proponent of treating birth as the natural process that it is. Sure, there are high risk pregnancies. There are legitimate reasons for medical interventions. But more often than not, childbirth can be done significantly more safely with a more positive experience and outcome when it's done naturally, rather than when it's treated as an illness. Many people have called us brave for birthing naturally at home. We don't see it that way at all! To choose medical intervention, or to have it forced upon you requires way more bravery and unfortunately, can often lead to problems that wouldn't have existed had intervention never taken place to begin with. While birthing naturally is not exactly a pleasant sensation, I can't imagine doing it any other way. Being at home in our own comfortable environment was such an integral part of it all. I'm convinced it's largely why I progressed so quickly. There was no driving, no chaos, no narcotics, no doctors, no nurses, no fear mongering. Just us, our medically trained team of midwives, my sister, and our baby. There is nothing wrong with wanting pain medication but for me, FEELING every bit of that experience was so powerful. I love that I was able to move around and use my body; able to work together with my baby to bring her safely and peacefully into this world. It was absolutely a spiritual experience to feel every ounce of my body executing God's most beautifully designed process. We were blessed to have a low risk pregnancy and we were blessed to have a perfect birth. I'm VERY aware of that. I'm also very proud of us for doing our research, for trusting this natural process, and in turn, being rewarded with such a positive outcome for both us and our baby. I will forever be grateful to our midwives, Sabely and Erica, and to Kristy for being such an important part of the entire experience - from pregnancy, to birth, to postpartum. Kristy - aside from Bart, I don't think one person has single handedly dealt with more of my freak outs, texts, questions, and needs more than you during this entire process. Thank you so much for being my "doula" and for so often dropping what you were doing to help me and talk me through things. And Mom and Dad - we are forever grateful for your help and support in those early days. I don't think we could've done it without the help of Gamma/Gampa. It was a family visit, a birth, and a 30th birthday that will always stand out in our minds and our hearts.
Getting some frozen yogurt downtown.
Family Fun Zone!
The reptile farm is always fun for the kids!
The day before Gracie!
I remember this moment so well. It was about 7am the morning of the birth and Mom asked Dane to come say hi to me before they retreated to the motorhome. Shortly after this, things got real!
Our wonderful midwives - Sabely & Erica
The first latch. :)
Gracie's first outing for her checkup!
Saying goodbye to the fam. :(
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