Life As We Know It...

Life as we have known it for 30+ years is different now. What was once a party of 2 is now a party of 3. Laundry now has tiny little pants in it. Drinking wine while watching TV is now stuffing diapers while watching TV (well, and drinking wine). My purse is a diaper bag. Instead of loading scuba and skydiving gear into the car we're loading a car seat and stroller. Our alone time is a constant negotiation: "I'll take her Saturday so you can work if I can go to the gym on Sunday." What used to be a thoughtless dinner out has become a rare, treasured date night. Sleep doesn't exist. My life outside of the baby revolves around how much precious, hard earned breastmilk I have frozen, and deciding what I do or don't do is weighed on a scale of frozen milk worthiness. Hot meals are eaten cold. "Getting dressed" means brushing my teeth. Our clothes are stained with vomit and poop, and when anyone asks how I am, I reflexively seem to always start with, "well, Gracie....."

Yep. Life as we know it is certainly different. I think Bart and I have had some similarities in our journey the last 6 months but of course, this process is always different for men and women. I'm home all day worrying about my body making enough food for our growing baby and wondering how I'm going to keep up with work and my mom duties and still keep any semblance of a personal life, sometimes feeling envious of Bart for being out of the house, conversing with adults who actually talk back. Meanwhile, Bart is at the office all day, stressed and worried about sustaining our company to provide for his family, all the while missing the day to day moments and milestones of his new daughter that he witnesses mostly through texted photos and videos. There's a trade off both ways.

It's no secret that I've struggled significantly with postpartum anxiety, and I've spent the last 6 months so cloaked in worry and angst about so many things, that I've missed many moments as well. It's funny - I always imagined that being a Mom would come naturally to me. Every person in the free world knows how vocal I've been about wanting a baby! Bart was so nervous about fatherhood and deep inside I always thought, "it'll be fine. I got this." So you can imagine my surprise when reality slapped me in the face and I realized, "I DON'T got this! Not even a little!" I'm embarrassed to admit how many times I've wished I could go back to the days before Grace. The days when I could go about my life freely and selfishly and not have to figure out how to fit a baby into every single task of my day to day life. The days where 6 hours of sleep was considered a bad night. The days where I didn't have to negotiate time with my husband. Where I didn't have to schedule everything around naps and estimated times of poop explosions. But I guess God had this whole thing figured out. Because just when I think I'm unfit and I can't do this another day, something happens. She wakes up! I go into her nursery and there she is in her crib, on her hands and knees, humping the air with a giant smile on her face like there couldn't be anything more exciting in the world than the idea that I'm about to pick her up. As I change her diaper and tickle her little chest and kiss her cheeks, I can't help but notice what a perfect blend she is of Bart and me. I think, how did we create this!? Then she giggles. She CRACKS UP! She farts. She giggles some more. And suddenly my fear, anxiety, stress, and worry just melt away for those few minutes as I laugh with her and delight in the simplicity of her joy.

Often I think about Gracie and how untainted she is. The world hasn't yet made her cynical or negative like her Mommy. Her biggest worry in life is whether my boobs will be completely full when it's time to eat. She experiences happiness so easily, so freely - and her sadness melts away with a simple hug and a kiss. With the new year, I've decided to begin working on seeing the world through Grace's eyes. To love myself like she loves me. To see joy in the world like she sees joy in a Fisher Price singing giraffe. And most of all, to try and take each day exactly for what it is: one at a time.

I often reference how annoyed I get when all people talk about is "THE LOVE" when referring to having a baby. "Can you believe how much you love her?" "Isn't the love just so incredible?" It bothers me because I think, yes, I love my child - but that is definitely not the only thing going on here! Why doesn't anyone talk about the bad stuff? The hard stuff? The ugly stuff? Am I a horrible mother because when someone asks how motherhood is the first thing I want to say is, "UGH. It's rough!!" For a while I wondered, am I just missing something? Am I missing the mom gene because I don't spend all day every day cuddling my precious baby and showering her with puppy love? But gradually I realized something. This isn't puppy love! This isn't husband and wife love. This isn't the way you love your siblings or parents, nieces or nephews. It isn't that it's more, it's that it's different. Just as the sensation of labor is unmatched in uniqueness and intensity, so is the love a parent feels for their child. The way I feel every day - ALL of it - THAT is motherly love. The fear, joy, stress, happiness, anxiety; that's what you hear about over and over again that you never really understand until you have your own, because so often it's packaged into words more attractive than realistic. It's a painful love. A beautiful love. A unique love. It's your best days and your worst days. Your highest highs and your lowest lows. When you create a living being who is literally an extension of you, you are blessed and cursed with this all consuming feeling that looks nothing like any other feeling you've known before. Discovering what my life looks like with that new kind of love forever in it is what has completely thrown me, in the best and scariest way possible.

I've realized now that all new parents struggle, whether they're honest about it or not. Bart and I have stayed so communicative with each other which I think has helped in the hardest of times. When you have a new baby, and you're deep in the throes of sleep deprivation, it's easy to take out all of your worst emotions on the person you're closest to. We've certainly done that from time to time! But at the end of the day, having a child with Bart has made me fall in love with him more deeply than I ever knew was possible. And I love that no matter what the day brings, we are always able to come back to each other, look at our beautiful little girl, and realize how damn lucky we are. We were gifted a perfect, healthy, SERIOUSLY cute baby with just the sweetest most easy going little personality. We get to care for her every day, witness her milestones, and watch her as she discovers the world around her and learns to be her own person. I'm so incredibly aware of what an enormous blessing she is, even amid the struggles.

Usually my blogs consist of an in depth description of all of the photos included. But I wanted to share more about our journey as a whole, and just let some photos over the last 6 months tell their own story - separate from my emotional essay! So, below are photos from Grace's first 6 months of life. Holidays, family visits, trips to California, times with friends, and some day to day experiences. Not in perfect chronological order but close enough. :) What a ride!